The Best Massage Therapy EVER!!

My kido, about 12 years ago. Picture sits on the edge of my bathtub

Okay, here goes, brace yourself...it could be a bumpy ride.

5 days to Tucson.

Though ya might have thought I was doing better, reality is I'm a complete, utter mess.

"Mean" person from a few blogs prior decide to throw a couple more punches, the worst being all the countless hours, and we're talking hundreds here, of writing I had done about my running journey for his newsletter/website are gone. Erased. Deleted. I guess to make a point that we're history.

Ouch.

The thing was, those articles, the vast majority, were written from my heart in an attempt to get the non-runner, or even the non-exerciser, moving. To let those reading know how my passion for running is not always an easy one. So they didn't feel alone and give up when the going got tough. I may be beyond what's considered the "norm" for a runner in the quantity, quality or I guess attachment to I have with running, but they were stories touched on tenderness, zest, truthfulness, and full of emotion! They were not, "there are no excuses, just do it or don't" stories. They provided encouragement; people liked them and told me on many occasions they couldn't wait for the next installment. It touched me that I could help in some small way.

I put hundreds of hours into those articles. Hundreds. Because I cared about the person that asked me to do it. It hurt when I was asked me to take a small break from writing so the son could have an opportunity to learn the responsibility of a "deadline" - I mean, there's no reason why we couldn't have both...unless that person was just trying to be "mean." But okay, fine, I'll still write and I'll still motivate people to get moving. Eventually.

But one thing lead to another this past week and when I looked at the website last night. Articles gone. All 104 of them. Even my link.

So let's take an overly sensitive, emotional girl who's dealing with a lot of personal garbage, tapering for a major marathon and throw one more punch. I asked to talk to find a resolution. No. I asked to talk just to get my head out of a funk. No. I didn't sleep last night. I woke up in total disarray. I went to cancel my massage therapy appointment but decided that no, I would go, because Charlie, MT, is not only good at healing my legs, he's also magical at healing my mind .. and my heart. For the past 2 years, he knows what to say to me. He has those spellbound words that are true yet caring. Not full of stuff I want to hear but full of stuff I need to DO. Stuff that cripples me because if left to my own toxic mind, I struggle to function. Charlie told me point blank that this divorce had to happen eventually, just very unfortunate at the timing is all, and made me acknowledge this. He told me to go home and eat. He told me what to eat. He told me to take a bubble bath when I got home. He told me to call a girlfriend in Alabama and make some plans to see her for a race in the spring. But most of all, he told me there was nothing wrong with me, that I CAN run 26.2 miles in 5 day, he told me I will run strong and if by some fluke problem I didn't, I would survive. Information I know, of course, but was so brain clogged that I couldn't remember. I filled the hour in tears and felt his heart. When I got up to leave, he gave me a compassionate, HUGE, hug and told me I was going to be fine and he'd always be there to talk, or work on my legs, whenever I wanted.

That massage therapy session was more healing than any torture on a bad calf. Ever!!! Those were the words I wanted to hear from the one who inflicted so much pain. The one that told me I was already given the tools I needed and refused to talk more. Ouch again!

I called my southern girlfriend upon return to my car, as I promised Charlie I would, and told her about all the "stuff" going on in Jill-land for the past month. It was liberating. We talked an hour. I cried very little. She was empathetic, not sympathetic. She told me to book a flight to Atlanta and sign up to do the ING half marathon, the one I love so much to run, and she'd be there waiting for me. In Atlanta, we'll talk and we'll shop and we'll eat and I'll run!! A true girly-fest! She told me, as did Charlie, that it was time for Jill to find the passion in her running again. 18 races in a year's span, 4 of which were marathons in the past 7 month and an 8000' vertical run up Pikes Peak, was proving it's toll on this weathered body.... and I was no longer having fun. The Southern Belle and Charlie told me the flame was out and I had to find a way to rekindle it.

I want to join the master's swim team at DU, I want to go to yoga, I want muscle-y arms, I want to cycle. And I want to run like the wind ... and feel alive again! I want to go to Atlanta and do the half marathon! I want to go to Boston and I want to run it well!

I'm not sure I can run a sub-3:45 marathon in Tucson but I'm no longer afraid to at least get out there and run. God, I'm feeling better!!!!!!

I'm sitting here in a relaxing bubble bath, something I so rarely get to do (if it's bath time for this girl, it's usually a therapeutic ice bath post hard run) as I blog to you (honestly..see pic) and reflecting on the past year, all my amazing accomplishments and what 2010 holds. I'll be honest, I'm afraid to dive into 2010 without the one I've had by my side for the past few years but I feel hope. And that's the fuel that's gonna get me through the next few days!

The blue thingy is what I use to carry ice for my summer ice baths :)

Tomorrow I will run. I may not get to write, but I will run!

Thanks for all the input on blog names. Seems about an equal mix of mileswithin and runningwithjill ...and a push for White Witch by margarine. I'm not sure if vote changing is allowed; I'll look up the rules on that one but in the mean time, I will ponder the ideas and get something up after Tucson. And though the daughter tweaked the blog, again, it's still not what I want (and have lost my blog roll in the meantime. ugh) so stay tuned!

I appreciate all the support. A lot!!!