Monday, April 6, 2009

It can creep up inside you...

....and take over in a matter of seconds. Boston is heavy on my mind right now and I can't seem to shake the uneasy feeling I have with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited beyond words to be there, I can sit here and be so emotional over the accomplishments I have worked so hard that are finally here. 11 years ago, when I ran my first marathon in Dallas, I had a great race. I knew then that if I played my cards right, I could get to Boston. I didn't now when or how but I knew that one day, I'd be there. I never really "tried" to run a Boston qualifier in the next 10 years; instead, I sat back and waited to see how my body adjusted to each marathon I attempted, never really thinking "now" was the time to get serious. Injury and dehydration problems dogged me with marathons to follow and it wasn't until 10 years later when I again ran the Dallas marathon, and ran it well, that the Boston dream reentered my mind and sought out my trainer, Rob, to help me. I quasi-thought when I entered the Big Sur marathon last April that I could possibly get to Boston, though it really wasn't the course to do it on and my mind got so flipping tangled on the flight to that race that I really had no hope at all of making it. The weather and the hills of Big Sur didn't help either :/. So it wasn't until St. George last October that I actually went to a marathon start-line with one purpose only: to qualify for Boston. I not only qualified, I had an extra 14 minutes to spare! I killed it!! And I've been on Boston-focus ever since.

You'd think that the fragile mind-set I was in in the couple weeks before St. George (oh..just ask anyone that knew me - I was beyond even remotely nice to anyone!!!!! You know who you are all are (I am sincerely sorry)), I'd have totally screwed up that race and miss qualifying by a land-slide. But something happened when I got to the start, and I can't even tell you exactly what it was but in a slew of chaotic events that only gave me about 10 seconds of pre-race line nerves, I tried as best I could not to think about Boston and just focus on those that I carried with me in my heart...and blasted my iPod full-force, lik any incoming negative thoughts were going to be drowned out by music 20 octaves louder than is safe. I don't know how it all happened, but somehow it did and now, 6 months later, here is Boston facing me head-on. And I'm a little scared! More than a little. I think it's the taper: it's making me edgy, like the usual expended miles have now turned into restlessness and my mind is working overtime because it can't run the mileage. I've worked hard over the winter to be in great physical condition but I am still feeling a sense of self-doubt, my mind is always my weakness, and I am worried about almost everything. One day I can't eat, the next day I eat everything in sight. What's wrong with me?

Rob told me today (and many other days also), that this Boston is not for a time; this Boston is for the experience. Brian told me I needed to experience Boston with all my senses. Steve told me that there's no other race I will ever feel so proud to run and it was an experience unmatched to anything. A few other experience comments and that's it!!!!! That's what's troubling me. "Experience" is the reoccurring theme here; I am afraid to let the experience end. I've had a blast (okay, not exactly...but pretty dang close) getting here I'm afraid of my first Boston experience coming to an end. That's why this is weighing heavy on me right now; I don't want to let it go.... and I'm afraid of where to land when I return *sigh*.

Did some weight training with Rob tonight and learned that I have either apparently lost all ab muscles or my stomach is more upset over this whole Boston mess than I ever imagined. I'm not sure which is the lesser of the two evils; I was dying on the simplest of ab exercises. I did throw out a lot of self-doubt comments his way, though, and my next newsletter so that he can hear and think about what is happening to me right now so that he doesn't become a member of the Jill's-lost-all-sense-of-emotional-control-victims club like last last fall. No....I will not fall pray to that ugly person I was (okay, some of it WAS justified, honestly!), I am not "mad" at anyone this round and I do not have the pressure of finishing with a pre-determined race time; I am just nervous about everything the race has to throw at me.....and I am a little sad it's all coming to a close. But no matter what, I'm going to Boston, Baby!! It's been a long road but I've made it and I can't imagine anywhere I'd rather be than on the start line of Boston!!!
Isn't this picture crazy of all the people running Boston? Wow!!!!

Weight training: 1

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