Monday, December 7, 2009

The Best Massage Therapy EVER!!

My kido, about 12 years ago. Picture sits on the edge of my bathtub

Okay, here goes, brace could be a bumpy ride.

5 days to Tucson.

Though ya might have thought I was doing better, reality is I'm a complete, utter mess.
"Mean" person from a few blogs prior decide to throw a couple more punches, the worst being all the countless hours, and we're talking hundreds here, of writing I had done about my running journey for his newsletter/website are gone. Erased. Deleted. I guess to make a point that we're history.

The thing was, those articles, the vast majority, were written from my heart in an attempt to get the non-runner, or even the non-exerciser, moving. To let those reading know how my passion for running is not always an easy one. So they didn't feel alone and give up when the going got tough. I may be beyond what's considered the "norm" for a runner in the quantity, quality or I guess attachment to I have with running, but they were stories touched on tenderness, zest, truthfulness, and full of emotion! They were not, "there are no excuses, just do it or don't" stories. They provided encouragement; people liked them and told me on many occasions they couldn't wait for the next installment. It touched me that I could help in some small way.

I put hundreds of hours into those articles. Hundreds. Because I cared about the person that asked me to do it. It hurt when I was asked me to take a small break from writing so the son could have an opportunity to learn the responsibility of a "deadline" - I mean, there's no reason why we couldn't have both...unless that person was just trying to be "mean." But okay, fine, I'll still write and I'll still motivate people to get moving. Eventually.

But one thing lead to another this past week and when I looked at the website last night. Articles gone. All 104 of them. Even my link.

So let's take an overly sensitive, emotional girl who's dealing with a lot of personal garbage, tapering for a major marathon and throw one more punch. I asked to talk to find a resolution. No. I asked to talk just to get my head out of a funk. No. I didn't sleep last night. I woke up in total disarray. I went to cancel my massage therapy appointment but decided that no, I would go, because Charlie, MT, is not only good at healing my legs, he's also magical at healing my mind .. and my heart. For the past 2 years, he knows what to say to me. He has those spellbound words that are true yet caring. Not full of stuff I want to hear but full of stuff I need to DO. Stuff that cripples me because if left to my own toxic mind, I struggle to function. Charlie told me point blank that this divorce had to happen eventually, just very unfortunate at the timing is all, and made me acknowledge this. He told me to go home and eat. He told me what to eat. He told me to take a bubble bath when I got home. He told me to call a girlfriend in Alabama and make some plans to see her for a race in the spring. But most of all, he told me there was nothing wrong with me, that I CAN run 26.2 miles in 5 day, he told me I will run strong and if by some fluke problem I didn't, I would survive. Information I know, of course, but was so brain clogged that I couldn't remember. I filled the hour in tears and felt his heart. When I got up to leave, he gave me a compassionate, HUGE, hug and told me I was going to be fine and he'd always be there to talk, or work on my legs, whenever I wanted.

That massage therapy session was more healing than any torture on a bad calf. Ever!!! Those were the words I wanted to hear from the one who inflicted so much pain. The one that told me I was already given the tools I needed and refused to talk more. Ouch again!

I called my southern girlfriend upon return to my car, as I promised Charlie I would, and told her about all the "stuff" going on in Jill-land for the past month. It was liberating. We talked an hour. I cried very little. She was empathetic, not sympathetic. She told me to book a flight to Atlanta and sign up to do the ING half marathon, the one I love so much to run, and she'd be there waiting for me. In Atlanta, we'll talk and we'll shop and we'll eat and I'll run!! A true girly-fest! She told me, as did Charlie, that it was time for Jill to find the passion in her running again. 18 races in a year's span, 4 of which were marathons in the past 7 month and an 8000' vertical run up Pikes Peak, was proving it's toll on this weathered body.... and I was no longer having fun. The Southern Belle and Charlie told me the flame was out and I had to find a way to rekindle it.

I want to join the master's swim team at DU, I want to go to yoga, I want muscle-y arms, I want to cycle. And I want to run like the wind ... and feel alive again! I want to go to Atlanta and do the half marathon! I want to go to Boston and I want to run it well!

I'm not sure I can run a sub-3:45 marathon in Tucson but I'm no longer afraid to at least get out there and run. God, I'm feeling better!!!!!!

I'm sitting here in a relaxing bubble bath, something I so rarely get to do (if it's bath time for this girl, it's usually a therapeutic ice bath post hard run) as I blog to you (honestly..see pic) and reflecting on the past year, all my amazing accomplishments and what 2010 holds. I'll be honest, I'm afraid to dive into 2010 without the one I've had by my side for the past few years but I feel hope. And that's the fuel that's gonna get me through the next few days!

The blue thingy is what I use to carry ice for my summer ice baths :)

Tomorrow I will run. I may not get to write, but I will run!
Thanks for all the input on blog names. Seems about an equal mix of mileswithin and runningwithjill ...and a push for White Witch by margarine. I'm not sure if vote changing is allowed; I'll look up the rules on that one but in the mean time, I will ponder the ideas and get something up after Tucson. And though the daughter tweaked the blog, again, it's still not what I want (and have lost my blog roll in the meantime. ugh) so stay tuned!

I appreciate all the support. A lot!!!


saundra said...

I am sooo sorry someone has hurt you so badly. :-(
Please try to take some consolation in the fact that you have encouraged others and touched lives in some way even though the articles are no longer available. Your spirit is still inside you even though you left pieces of yourself into you writing. Mean person can never take that or any of your other accomplishments away from you.

Suzy said...

I'm sorry someone has hurt you. Remember, you are a strong person with so much to give. Don't let anyone take that away from you. Run Tucson and do your best. Then, focus on finding your running mojo again!

cheryl said...

Hang in there Jill. You are a strong, beautiful woman who has inspired many. ENJOY your upcoming race!

Laura said...

Hopefully you can move forward and be able to enjoy your race. Focus on the positives of 2009 and carry that into 2010.

I Run for Fun said...

You are dealing with this positively and are obviously a very strong person. I am sure you will emerge out of this a stronger person. Enjoy the race!

Jamie Crosby said...

Jill, so sorry to hear that you're going through some bad stuff right now, but it's great that you've opened up about; I hope it helps and starts the healing.

You should run the ING 1/2, we'd love to have you in the ATL!

my suggestion for your title...TrialsandMiles

Anonymous said...

Mean people suck!
Someone said to me "Not everyone is going to like you. And that is O.K." I live by that mantra.

You'll do great this weekend - think of all the snow you'll miss. (I have it today).
Pick me up on your way to Atlanta - that's a good one!

Anonymous said...

I took your newsletter link off our website for now! Because I refuse to have us associated with mean things you say about us on your blog! Some of your old newsletters have your blog link at the bottom still! Now I'm not sure I'll even put them back on because true colors are being revealed. You forgot to mention to all your blog followers that There are always two sides to every story and YOU are the one that doesn't play fair and that is why all this has happened. Not because people like to randomly hurt you! Do unto others as you'd have done to you!!!! You are the one that
deletes people from your life, You are the one that can't accept responsibility for your actions, everyone else is at fault! You are the one that walks in and doesn't say a word to anybody, and makes the atmosphere so unbearable with all your drama. The list is long and draining. Game is over! You know you can run a marathon and run it good you've done how many this year??? Just go do it! Leave everyone out of your excuse for doing a bad job if that happens! Just go run.

Davide (The Artist Formerly Known As Moose) said...

Hey Jill, don't worry, you'll ROCK Tucson! I'm happy to hear you have close friends who can give you great advice... going to Atlanta for the HM is a great idea!!
laters, my friend

Shellyrm ~ just a country runner said...

I am not going to say, "I'm sorry." over the personal troubles you are going through. I am not sorry and neither are you. Sorry. What an odd word. in a sorry situation. A sorry excuse of a life. Have you ever heard it used that way. I have. I traveled down the road you are now. (details probably different but the route is the same.) I do wish you were not sharing in that sencery. It can be a defeating time but it does not have to be. Please now that a crazy obessed east-coastie runner understands a tiny bit of the struggles you are facing. There is comfort (however little) in that fact.
You are going to have an amazing journey in 5 days. I pray you set all this other stuff aside and focus on you and each footfall. Enjoy every breath, every stride, every drop of sweat. It could really be a letting go of the hurt and embracing forgiveness.
Okay, I will mail you my bill for therapy. ;-) heeheehee
You are going to run an amazing race!

Jennifer said...

You know there is this option on Blogger to hold all comments until you can approve them for viewing. You simply delete the ones that are not positive or friendly. My strategy in life is to not associate with people who bring me down. *Delete* it's an easy button to use! I send positive energy your way, focus on your race, the rest will fall into place!

Anonymous said...

Wow. I'm sorry.

But you're still not getting my trail fanny pack sock monkey.

(If it helps at all, margarine is back in biz with an exciting new Christopher Cross Training Plan that the new might be interested in. Small licensing fee.)

Mikey B said...

You know who your true friends are, Jill, and every one of them will be with you in Tucson in spirit. That may not be the same as in person, but that doesn't make the bond any weaker.

I truly think the session with Charlie was the turning point and your love for running will grow in the future. Go to Atlanta and run/visit with your friends. You need that time for yourself. Keep in mind, you're always welcome in St Louis too!

Mikey B

Jill said...

Dear Sandy,
In reference to your comment above, I will not address nor defend all the things you accuse me of. But I will say this:

This is a running blog about the ups and downs of MY running. I have not said anything mean, I merely expressed that actions done have affected me and my training/running. I am not blaming anyone, I alone am responsible for myself. I do, though, hurt due to an insensitive act someone performed. And that's just part of life...we all hurt and grieve from time to time and we move on. If I choose to state what that act was on my blog, that's my preference but I never placed blame on anyone, I merely was stating the action for which I was hurt. I did not name any names of you or your partner nor your business. I use this blog to show my friends and followers that I struggle with my daily quest just like everyone else; I use it to inspire as well as gain support and strength from my followers so that I can pick myself up from a bad day or week or month.. or even year and feel good again. It's not "just go run" no matter how many times I have run. We all have our own struggles, you yourself didn't do a BB show this fall because you couldn't get your mind wrapped around it and I'm sure you sought support from your best friend about it. I'm no different, I just don't have a best friend like yourself so I seek my support through my blog and my friendships.

I'm not blaming you or him at all. He's provided me a great many lessons for which I will carry for the rest of my life. He wasn't perfect and neither was I, drama or not, but he was a very good friend - and I think I can say that for both of us. Friendships hurt when they end. If I were so mean, I could say a lot of things about him that would truly hurt .... but I won't. Ever.

As for the writing, you could have easily removed the link to my blog but you chose to delete all the articles. That's your choice. It hurt. Whatever, it's part of life. I needed to spew a few words about it to carry on as best I could. I spent countless hours writing for you, for FREE, and not once did you EVER thank me for them. Aside from one time when "he" said something first on a public forum. 104 articles and that was the only thanks I ever got. That says something about character to me. But I don't own the articles, I wrote them from my heart to help your business. That's it. You do with them as you feel fit, I really don't care. Charlie helped me see past that and helped me move on. And THAT is what I wanted to share with my readers, that no matter how bad it gets, you can count on others to help you out - people that care!

So Sandy, I'm not going to delete your snide comment. You can start your own blog, if you want; you could call it "Jillsdramatic" or whatever blog of your choice and all your supporters can say whatever they want - I may even chime in on how yes, I can be!. But leave me alone to heal with my friends - unless you have something nice to say, which you have never made a nice comment on my blog ever so don't see why you'd start now. I will go to Tucson and I will run and no matter how I perform, I will be grateful for the friends who have helped me get there; I take each and every one with me, including Rob. And I am especially thankful for those here who are helping me heal.

You're wrong, Sandy, Game is NOT off - it's on!!!!


Anonymous said...

Yeah, Jill!

Anonymous said...

Yeah Sandy... you suck for air. BEST OF LUCK WITH TUCSON JILL! You will ROCK! Cheer up! Taper hell is almost over. (I know you wear big girl panties just like me.. so NO PROBLEM)..Seriously... the picture of kiddos is adorable. They're beautiful! By the way, I will buy you a margarita (someday anyway lol).. Your friendly neighborhood Running Chick :) :)

Anonymous said... need to paint your toenails. Paint them them AFTER you run a GREAT race in Tucson. ;)

Unknown said...

The good news is...sista' that you can move on from this stuff fast and furiously and you've got a marathon to plan!! Tox-ik-rama, good job moving on girl!!

Dana said...

Congrats on being so inspired for 2010!! Go get those muscle-y arms and sexy spin legs!

Leslie said...

Hey Jill,
I haven't had a chance to read the whole post yet but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for all your posts being deleted, that really sucks! I hope today goes great!!!

Adam Culp (Crazy Floridian) said...

2010 will be a GREAT year. I look forward to sharing it with you as a friend. We will do great things.

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