Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Game On

10 days to Tucson according to my snazzy countdown counter on the side, the one I spent about 2 hours trying to figure out how to plant there. 2 hours. Really? I didn't even know I had a 2 spare hours in my life for a simple gadget that doesn't really need to remind me how long I have to freak out about a race (in my defense, it was over the course of several days); that number is planted at the forefront of my every waking minute; I don't need a calendar to remind me. But I liked it when I saw it on someone's blog; it made me smile and I had to have one. I'm not one to easily give up on something I want (well, except that I want a trip to the Greek Isles, but I am also realistic; no sense in fighting for that one right now) so it's not a wonder I wasted so much time on a countdown calendar. I also think it adds some character and color to, dare I say it, an overly pink blog. I know!!! (gasp)

I don't know how I'm going to run in Tucson, I can't even guesstimate. My mind's so far removed from this race, I have no sense of awareness how I'll perform; I think my mind's somewhere bouncing around on Jupiter .... it's nowhere near the Tucson starting line.

And maybe that's okay, I'm not sure. I guess I'll find out in 10 days.

My e-friend recently had a touching blog post about mean-spirited people and I have to share parts of it because the words he resonates are my sentiments exactly:

People are mean. Not all people. But enough people.
It’s easy to live in my own little world. I like it here. I just get so mad when I venture into the real world and encounter people who are so intolerant, so insensitive, so holier-than-thou, so totally thoughtless that they can trample on other people’s feelings and then feel no remorse. I can’t help myself; I overreact. I argue. I scream. I mock. I go nuts...... When I see people getting hurt because of someone’s thoughtless, idiotic, pointless tirade, I’ve had it.

Right on, margarine. He has a good heart!

I'm a fairly highly-sensitive-overly-emotional-needy-at-times chick. Not always, but when enough stuff starts to build, I get frustrated and high frustrations tend to lead to a loss of composure. I'm certain, though, the sensitivity part is a constant; my feelings do get easily injured. It's trait of who I am. I can't change that, despite sometime wanting to. Most people tend to still like me. For the most part. It doesn't make me any lesser of a soul, it just makes me me.

I believe I have a heart of gold; there's not much I wouldn't do for someone that I care about, though others that know me could tell you for certain. I know I feel sympathy, compassion, sorrow and joy for them. Gratitude lubricates the engines of a friendship. I'm very grateful for my friends. I don't relish the thought of losing them.

But I don't have a lot of very close friends. I believe sensitive people tend to fall a little on the reserved side ... maybe it's a fear they will get too hurt. Who knows. But when compassionate people give their heart, they give it all.

I'm pretty bruised.

It's not a matter of what happened, the thoughtless act is done; it's the fact sensitive girl here WAS jolted by someone whom she let in and the ability to temper that hurt with an apology isn't a concern by the offending party. Apparently. Apologies aren't exclusively due to wrong-doing, they're also an acceptance to the realization their behavior inflicted harm. Maybe it's just me, but I think friendships are precious and if I unintentionally said or did something that hurt my "unconditional friendship" friend, I'd feel about 2" tall. I'd be doing whatever I could to make amends and steer it right. If I've somehow inflicted pain, I'm sorry. No. Matter. What. I'd rather apologize for something I said or did than to stand my ground to be "right" and lose something invaluable. If something has enough valuable to you, you fight for it! To have harmony. I pray to God that my children understand this.

But that's just me. I'm about human kindness.

It's hard for me to take someone I've been very emotionally dependent upon, trusted, and who was my rock and support system and just watch it blow away. Right smack in the middle of marathon taper time. As if stress for the race weren't enough, huh??

It's affected my sleep, nutrition, my running and training. How's that for stress!!??!!

I fight to get my mind focused on Tucson; I struggle daily. Hourly.

But yet, maybe it will be okay......maybe I'm not alone.....

Perhaps it's time for sensitive girl to close the lid on this matter, heavy heart and all - according to my snazzy countdown calendar, I gotta marathon to run in a mere 10 days! I may not be going with the one that talked me into this little adventure, and I'll always be sad about that, but I have others I'll be taking with me every step of the way. Including you guys. And maybe that's abundant enough.

If I have enough persistence to get a funky countdown calendar on my blog, I surly have enough determination to run 26.2 miles.

Game on, let's run!


Anonymous said...

But then you find new friends in unexpected places, and they find your unmatched socks, and suddenly you've got friends AND socks. So maybe that helps a little. But I'm sorry. Soon enough you'll be cramping up and barfing and losing consciousness, and life will be great again...

Katie A. said...

Man, you and I are in the same boat! Only my marathon is 4 days away! I haven't made a decision yet if I am going to run...that way it is easier for me not to think about it until I am at the starting line.
And I swear, it is so weird you posted that note from your bloggy friend and all your stresses. I am dealing with someone who has backstabbed my husband and I financially right now and it is consuming all my thoughts. Like your friend, I live in a bubble where everyone treats everyone fairly and doesn't act like douche-bags. My bubble has been popped.
Have a good day my friend! :)

Unknown said...

I never have a good comment for you because you've already stated everything in your blog so nicely, but I want you to know I'm always here reading them...nodding in agreement :-)

Anonymous said...

Saying sorry for a mistake or wrongdoing is always the right thing to do and is a display of some of the best qualities of human beings; compassion, understanding, empathy and sympathy. I am sorry that you were subjected to someone that appears to be lacking of these qualities. I know what it's like to be emotionally bruised and reserved, hell I'm just shy of being a recluse as a result but Garbo is right. You do find new friends in unexpected places and they make you realize just how sucky the sucky people really are and how happy you are for new friends. Smile my friend!

Anonymous said...

You are going to do great in Tucson-- anyone who can fight with HTML can surely run 26.2 miles and run them well!

My arm warmers are Pearl Izumi runningwarehouse.com super cheap and I love them!

As for being sensitive, anyone who runs a marathon is tough as nails. You've done it more than once. Remember that.

Anonymous said...

I can tell you are a little down..BUT WHAT IS THIS ABOUT THE GREEK ISLES? I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO MEXICO. You KNOW...Margaritas? And here I've been doing all this matchmaking and dropping all these little hints to Eric LOL.. But seriously, don't worry Jill. True friends forgive and forget. (Man, I miss recently relocated running buddy :)...RC

I Run for Fun said...

I smiled when I read "It’s easy to live in my own little world. I like it here." I can
so relate to that!
Sorry for what you are going through. The marathon will be therapy for you. I'm sure you'll do wonderful.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. You have a great blog too...hope you don't mind me following your blog!

Anonymous said...

I enjoy going to the international market and walking through the Greek aisles. But maybe that's just me ...

GregCochran said...

The counter you spent 2 hours setting up, is awesome. I changed the skin, it had little monkies! How awesome is that?!

When you're out on the course for 26.2, just remember the cute little monkies. They're sure to make the miles fly by!

Unknown said...

Girl, just keep being kind and being you! Like you said, you are who you are ! Keep putting your heart out there even though it's bruised. You are still loved, respected and appreciated. Hold your head up, run your race like the wind and have fun...let the rest heal up! If I were closer , I'd give you a little hug and then in true ADDness, we multi-task or get distracted and you'd move on and keep your head in the right place. Hope this all passes and that you stay happy and strong! One thing I need to remind myself of in these types of people situations is...do not perseverate! These things usually have more to do with the other person than you.

Shellyrm ~ just a country runner said...

Wow! You really are stressing. I so wish you didn't have to deal with all the stress 10 days before your marathon. As if that isn't enough to keep a girl stressed out!

I hope that what ever hurts happened in the past stay there so you can run beyond them. I think 26.2 miles will be far enough to start to heal. What do you think?

Jill said...

Well, my mailbox was full of dreamland holiday catalogs, which I generally toss out and never look at...but tonight I dove right in with my cup of tea. FUN! Especially Coach and J. Crew!! Can't remember when I last wasted time on that one. I think all will be fine. And Meg's right - it's not me. And Shelly's right, too - 26 miles will be the perfect antidote to heal.
THANKS all :).
Greg, nice to see you on blogworld.

Christina said...

I'll also be in Tucson. Maybe we can meet up. I'm running the half and my boyfriend is running the full.

Jennifer said...

Great blog, very intense! I just recently had a run in with a 'mean' person, your blog really hits the mark! Thanks for sharing and good luck in your race!

Jenn said...

OK-I got a little mad reading this post as I don't know you from Adam but I hate to see people obviously hurt. Sounds like from your recent comment you are dealing with it. I think a new Coach purse would help. I find new expensive things do wonders for me when I'm down! You'll rock the 26-Good luck!

Tara said...

Great post! I don't have a lot of close friends, but I value their friendship so much. It is so hard to find a true friend. It sounds like you are a very kind person and a great friend. Hang in there and yes, people can be totally mean and insensitive. Ignore them.

Can you believe your marathon is only 9 days away? Wow! Can't wait to hear how you rocked it!!

Anonymous said...

Hey Jill, hang in there. We already know you have the physical strength to tackle Tucson and make this run all yours. The fact you have trained for this with everything else going in your life on means you can survive this mentally. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Mikey B

Davide (The Artist Formerly Known As Moose) said...

Hey Jill, just read your post. I do hope you feel better now!! Your e-friends are here to help! I find myself often in your position, so i can totally relate. Chin up my friend! You're going to rock the Tucson marathon!
Ciao :)