I've sat here for a day in distress, pondering what to say to you about Mt. Evans so I'm going to write most of what I had sent to Rob; it was fitting. I wanted to write about good news, but it's with a heavy heart that yet again, I cannot. I got to the top a solid half hour after I crossed the same line last year. It's really not about the awful time, it's more that I just plain and simply did not have the strength to do the mountain this year.
I could blame it on the ears or the fact that this antibiotic has left my stomach is a huge knot or that I consumed 33,000 calories yesterday to combat the queasiness my stomach felt from the medicine and thus I felt like lead or that my iPod had a malfunction and I had to listen to my own wheeze for 3 1/2 hours or the stress I'm under or the crappy weather...or whatever. But basically what it came down to was that I didn't have it. I didn't have that determination to keep moving like I talked about in my last blog.
The whole mountain was in a cloud. Some guy announced at the start that they would determine by mile 6 if the summit was safe enough to get to and if not, then the race would end at mile 9. I started and within the first mile, prayed for the mile 9 closure. I was really dizzy whenever I tried to run and I basically determined that I'd just run/walk to mile 9 and if the race wasn't closed (it wasn't), I'd quit anyway, and that was feat enough. But I got to mile 9 and stood around for about 4 minutes thinking that whomever decided to not close this thing was insane and therefore said a few expletives and decided I'd never forgive myself if I quit. I've never DNF and I knew I could walk the rest of this thing and still make the cut off and that was better than not finishing. I didn't want to go but onward I went. My hands were freezing and my head was pounding and I couldn't see more than 10 feet in front of me. I was scared every time a car came by and I had to move off to the side that I was going to lose my balance and fall off the entire mountain because I was having some major vertigo problems.
My ear really caused some challenges for me for sure but what I should have done was tried to be stronger and not let it influence me. I let it control me and I wasn't strong enough to fight it. And that's why my heart is heavy.
I basically walked almost all the last 5.5 miles and finished at 3:28ish. I didn't really look. I didn't really care. Everyone but Dennis went down to the bottom already; it was snowing lightly at the top and everyone was cold. I felt horrible that they all had to wait forever for me at the bottom (we carpooled from Idaho Springs) but they were all nice about it and we all went to lunch after and as much as I wanted to drink myself into oblivion, I didn't. It was a nice diversion to the sour mood that was starting to consume me.
Last night I went out with some dear friends whom have wanted to take me out to celebrate Boston with me since my return but could never seem to with crazy schedules. I had a great time; it was good to laugh and eat food I'd never eat otherwise (I had fish - deep fried, and strawberry shortcake. My stomach is not really agreeing today) and just not think about running and what was next and how to pick myself back up and get motivated again. I woke up this morning with my ear just about as bad as it was the day I went to the doctor with my spirit in about the same shape. My stomach is so upset and queasy - I have no idea what's going on. It's 9:30 p.m. and I'm going to go to bed and wake up feeling a whole lot better, both physically (my inner thighs and my neck are muy sore-o today) and mentally, get this ear thing fixed and a little tougher with get my training!!
My friends Janet and Jane with myself