Saturday, June 27, 2009
Please don't leave me...
I'm boasting higher than average mileage this week; an attempt to help me learn to run strong through the fatigue of the marathon. Today's 19 unpleasant miles helped land me my high mileage trophy.
I just didn't really have it today. And that's okay, that was the purpose... sort of. At the time, when I was hurting, I wasn't thinking this. Now I am.
I was really down about today upon my finish. Yet I think I also predetermined that it was a poor run before I even started running, actually. I was dreading the run and therefore decided I just wanted to punish myself in my misery and be overly miserable. I think I somehow figured that if I ran poorly enough by hurting so much, I would crave the good I once had and that would help plant me back in the right frame of mind; the frame of mind I've been longing for and haven't been quite able to reach. I've felt very alone upon my return, especially in the past couple weeks, and I have not been dealing well with that.
I think it worked....eventually. I came home, took an ice bath and sent out a few email to some runners for their feedback for an article I'm writing. I got an email back from the CC coach and he said a few things to me that made me sit back and do some thinking. He also told me he sensed my frustration and would try to help me get back my motivation. His words got me thinking and maybe I needed that run to put things in perspective for me.
Everything cannot constantly be easy otherwise we take it for granted and we lose the fight to work hard. I lost that fight and upon my return from Boston, just haven't wanted it enough to get out there and I've been afraid for weeks....scared it's going to leave me.
One time, not that long ago, when I had the insurance to help pay for the luxuries of both a physical and massage therapist, I went regularly ... both for my bothersome ailments and for the sanctity of my well-being; both people really could speak to me on a level that helped plant me in the right direction -- especially Charlie, the massage therapist, whom really has this uncanny way to worm your entire life out of you; find a solution to all your woes; and then make your legs feel heavenly...all in the course of 60 minutes. I'd walk out of there with my head back on straight and feeling light on my feet. But I haven't had his magic touch, both on my legs and my brain since before I went to St. George and I miss it. On many levels. I think it's time for a couple Charlie sessions before I go back to work this fall....I think he can help me with my glute pain and my head pain. I'll have to see what I can come up with.
Please running, don't leave me!
19 miles run